15 April, 2009

Fake Fake Coffee

I found it. After years of not searching, I have found it. Accidentally. The only coffee drink I will ever like.

Yes, I admit from the beginning that while refusing to drink hot juice that tastes like beans myself, I have always maintained that people who liked caramel white chocolate mochas didn't really like coffee. It's fake coffee, I would say. Let's face it, I will probably still say this. It's true, isn't it? People who like milk, sugar, chocolate, flavor shots, or whipped cream with their coffee are just trying to cover up the bitter taste that is the essence of coffee. These people don't like coffee any more than I do. They just won't admit it.

And yes, I will also openly admit that my newly discovered coffee drink is not just full of flavorings, sugar, and milk. It's worse than that. It's fake fake coffee. That's right: the white coffee latte.

Even in my past life as a barista (ok, a barista in Wisconsin), I had never heard of this stuff. When I tasted my white coffee latte at a yuppie coffee house in the burbs last weekend, I couldn't believe there was any coffee involved. No bitter bean-like taste! No dark coffee color anywhere to be found! But, unlike it's nutty flavor would lead you to think, white coffee is made from coffee beans just like any real coffee. The difference, apparently, is that white coffee is roasted for a much shorter time. This keeps the bitter taste from forming and, incidentally, seals in a lot more caffeine. So no, white coffee does not smell, taste, or look like real coffee. Or even fake coffee. But it wakes you up like coffee. And, apparently, it can seductively lure you out of your coffee boycott. Let's hope it's not a gateway drug.

But if I do ever find myself back out in Yuppiville with $3.80 to spare...I might just get myself another one...

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